Grey
by J.L.Lunar
Summary: Victoria's suffering after a tragedy, but the sight of an old friend helps bring her back round.
1. Chapter 1: Grey

It was in her mind that the world had become a dismal grey. She didn't know one thing from another, and it seemed as if everything that touched her crumbled away into the murky color. Everything was nothing and yet that dull pain still persisted.

She was yet a white ghost drifting between the junk and haunting the Junkyard. She coul dsee the kittens as she drew near them shrieking and shying away, noting the bruised eyes that blossomed upon her once soft, slender white face. They could see the ragged condition her lips were in from where she'd bit time and time again into the flesh, deviating them from their natural place.

Her tongue would occasionally touch them, but then she'd shriek and fall to her knees, his name constantly leaving her lips as sobs wracked her body. Someone close to her - usually her brother - would come rushing over, their consoling arms cocooning her as they whispered nothings into her sensitve ears, but at those times she could think of nothing but his handsome face.

And the way his blood had looks splattered across their kits.

The day was still so clear, and it seemed as if nothing could banish the foggy memory and the constant reminder. Not even Mistoffelees' tender touch could ever bring her from the hideous nightmares that dogged her every waking minute, to the point of where she wanted it all to end. She didn't want to lift a claw to catch a mouse. She didn't want to work her jaw to swallow the morsel.

She wasn't sure why it came so hard upon her. She only knew the greyness. After all, as far as she knew, plenty of cats had lost their mates. Jennyanydots had lost two, and Jellylorum herself had had one. Deuteronomy as well, had buried nine, as his song proclaimed.

And plenty of people had lost their kittens, to many a causes, and some with similar stories as hers.

But yet she couldn't stop the tearless, horrendous nights and days that were her life. She couldn't stop the slack muscles that made it to wear someone always had to force feed her, snapping the jaws against one another.

She couldn't stop.

Nothing would stop.

_"Plato," Victoria purred, rubbing her cheek to Plato's neck, feeling the warmth wreathing from the brown fur as his arms soon enveloped her. Her noises of pleasure merely rose as she gave a slight turn, motioning towards the sleeping kits, their sleeping forms only rising and falling with their breaths. Two perfect little kits._

_ "How have they been?" Plato queried, sidling forward as he settled down in the nest. His tail flicked happily over top their limp forms as he smiled to his mate, watching the beautiful figure slowly slip towards him. Her white fur was immaculate, despite having to care for the children, and he could only marvel at it._

_ "Perfect," Victoria replied with a dreamy sigh. She nuzzled against his leg, smiling to him as she settled down. It felt nice to rest after a long day of her fur being tugged, of milk being drawn from her body, and the magical bolts of Mistoffelees flying about her den as he attempted to distract her wondrous little bundles._

_ They were hers and Plato's, and that made them all the more wonderful._

_ Plato gave a soft chuckle, and ran his hand over top her head fur, feeling the white fur sifting beneath his fingers. "That's a lie," he teased, watching as his mate slipped softly into a sleep, her eyelids fluttering in what seemed like a momentary fight for conciounsness. Shaking his head, he leaned down, winding his arms around her delicate body as he quickly scooped her up._

_ She murmured slightly in her sleep, head lolling back as he carried her to their own nest, only inches from the kits. They had taken residency in an abandoned Mustang. All the seats had been ripped free aside from the back seat, which was hollowed out to protect the kittens in the foamy circle of warmth. _

_ He and Victoria slept on the floor not far from them in a swath of blankets, bodies curled tight upon one another and ears perked for the slightest sound of their little darlings rising. And so he planned to do now as he settled down his snowy queen, positioning himself beside her, and soon he wound himself against her, their bodies causing pleasurable warmth and comfort._

_ And that was probably the mistake._

_ Sleeping shouldn't have been a mistake. That's what most people would think. Sleeping was only a mistake if you were in a state of peril - if you were in a position that would put you in danger. As far as anyone knew that night, they were all rather safe in the quaint little Junkyard with their cozy dens and growing children._

_ But the Pollicles felt no warm feelings towards the cats, and when a certain wicked ginger happened to set loose a pound of bloodied meat within the Junkyard, then there was certainly no stopping them._

_ Their wagging jaws and rolling tongues were visible in the dim lights, and their baying could soon be heard as they trundled into the open. A few cats were alerted, and soon the shadowy forms could be seen rising to the tops of their dens, hissing and shrieking in anger. Plenty of them had had run ins with pollicles, and plenty of them didn't want to do it again._

_ Soon their heavy paws were smacking the dirt once more, and the cats watched as the Pollicles galloped by. Most times they came and left soon after they had entered, getting what they'd come for and returning to their homes. Now, however, they'd begun snuffling around, their noses sucking up dirt as they walked along, ears slapping the sides of their muzzles._

_ It wasn't until they drew to close that unease prickled the air, and a small yowl was heard._

_ From atop a giant black hat - an old play prop someone had left - a tom rose up, mouth stretched wide in a shriek as he attempted to lurch from the surface. He was grabbed, however, by a larger, maned tom. _

_ Mistoffelees let out a snarl, fighting against the restraining arms as he watched the Pollicles draw closer to his sister and to his niece and nephew. His eyes were wild and frantic, and magic sparked dangerously from his pelt, tail a whirlwind of horror behind him._

_ "LET ME GO!" Mistoffelees shrieked, attempting to motion his fingers to shoot his powers towards the disturbing monstrosities. The Pollicles ignored him, however, their dull eyes already pacing towards the source of their enthusiasm, and Mistoffelees was still being held tight by the Rum Tum Tugger._

_ "They might pass! Don't waste your time angering them!" Tugger snapped in his ear, and he forced Mistoffelees into an awkward crouch, the tiny tux shivering as his magic calmed, and he felt horror pulsating through every limb, replacing the magical energy with something much more dreaded. "I can't let you get hurt," Tugger mumbled softly, watching as the Pollicles moved on._

_ Victoria and Plato were still peacefully asleep. They'd been wreathed in one anothers smell, blissfully unaware of the looming danger. They were sound, as were the kittens, their tiny jaws stretching into yawns as a few clicks came from their slumbering forms._

_ And then the whole world rocked._

_ Plato was the first awake, struggling up from his nest as he staggered to a standing position. His legs braced themselves as he stared frightfully around, only to come face to face with a yapping Pollicle. The window separated them, but all of his fur still stood on end, tail fluffing up as he let loose a shriek._

_ There was no time for pride._

_ Victoria and the kittens were soon awake. Their eyes were widened as well. Victoria immediately shot across the car floor, gathering up the kits. Their loud wails split the air, and Victoria sought to soothe them. Sought to calm them, but she was failing._

_ Plato felt shock course through him, and he attempted to stand before his mate and any horrid things that resided outside. It seemed rather useless, though, as the window shattered in a rain of frosted glass. Plato flinched down, glass spattering his eyes. With a startled yelp, Plato fell back, clawing at his eyes as his kits began to wail behind him._

_ Victoria was crying as well, holding her kittens to her chest as she tried to reach Plato, her struggling love. It was futile, however ,as teeth clamped around his brown ankle, twisting sharply and splitting the night air with a crack. _

_ Victoria gave another wail as the Pollicle pulled back, rearing onto its hind legs as Plato was dragged from the car. His shrieks reached her ears in a hideous symphony, and she could only watch as the other Pollicle greedily latched onto his arm, ripping viciously._

_ Crying, she watched through blurred tears as her mate's arm was crashed between teeth, watching as the white bone was punctured and crushed between gyrating jaws. Watched as his blood splattered the ground. Watched as his dying screams filled the air. Watched as he was slowly taken from her life in a grisly afair._

_ And then the Pollicles turned to her. _

_ Insanity shot through her - she wasn't even sure what she was doing - she only knew her kits were wailing for daddy and daddy wasn't ever coming back. Taking a small breath, she slid forward, the Pollicles' eyes watching her doggedly, their dull, sparkless eyes staring forward. Their tongues lolled out, and Plato's blood slithered out with their drool. _

_ Taking a sharp breath, she lurched forward, launching herself from the car. She saw the other cats watching, horrified, as Victoria attempted to run. Her paws hit blood and she slipped and slithered in the puddle. Her kits were screaming louder then ever as the Pollicles drew closer to Victoria, their breaht hot as it ruffled her fur, promising her end just like her mate's._

_ Mistoffelees was screaing her name, his body jerking as Tugger held him tight. Victoria felt a flash of rage at Tugger - her mate could've possibly lived with Mistoffelees' intervention! - but that didn't matter now. What did was leaping across Plato's corpse, ignoring the sightless, gazing skull devoid of flesh as she flew across the Junkyard._

_ She tripped._

_ It was something stupid, like her fur being snagged on something, or her paw being caught in a hold, or just sheer panic making her reckless. But in a moment she was eating dirt, her kits flying from her arms. Another scream left her lips as she stared helplessly at her precious babies. At her wondrous bundles. At the only thing she had left._

_ And in a moment the Pollicles had thundered past her, jaws eagerly snapping up the kits. She screamed._

_ Oh such a scream._

_ Such a scream she was almost frightened that her throat would brust free, blood splattering the ground like her kittens' was doing now. Their limbs flew. Teeth chomped. Their childish screams had passed away long ago as bit by bit they were severed from her life and from a noticeable form._

_ She couldn't even fight anymore._

_ Couldn't muster the strength._

_ All she knew next was that Mistoffelees had managed to free himself from Tugger. Electricity sizzled in the air as shot after shot was fire. Crack after crack was unleased. Mistoffelees wasn't powerful enough yet to take down a Pollicle, but she could see whip marks and burnt fur covering their flanks and ribs._

_ Their yelps filled the air, but Victoria couldn't even take satisfaction in that. She could only note that she was covered in the blood of her loved ones, and that Mistoffelees was slowly growing closer, his eyes squinted with tears as he sunk to his knees beside her. He stared miserably at the corpses - they had been his friends and kin._

_ But they hadn't meant as much to him as they had to Victoria. He was soon bundling her into his arms, though, clutching at his distraught sister. Words fell from his lips like a bubbling spring, but Victoria was once again to far gone._

Victoria sat dully in the old car. They'd found the hunk of meat that Macavity had placed long ago, when they'd gathered the limbs. She'd watched them dig it out, sniffing out the familiar smell and sharing guilty glances. No one had come near her though, and they always kept their eyes down. No doubt they often wondered whether or not they should have fought - should have risked more lives to save such a tragedy.

But now, so far into the future, none of them felt that way any longer. Barely did any cat let the name Plato escape their lips. If they did, it was a nursery tale for kits so they'd behave for fear of the Pollicles.

Victoria hated those tales.

She also hated the ruin that had fallen after the deaths. While she was a wraith, and could care for nothing, she did take notice. Did see. Did hear. Just as she'd heard her brother's falling out with his own love. Mistoffelees had been livid that Tugger had held him back. Tugger had been furious that Mistoffelees had risked himself like a 'fucking dumbass moron' so to quote. They'd ceased contact.

Cassandra was in a constant state of panic due to the attack, her and Alonzo's kittens constantly being shoved beneath a car at the slightest sound. Munkustrap and Demeter had even broken apart due to Demeter's anxiety. She'd personally dealt with Macavity, and the thought of her kits being harmed had made her hysterical. Munkustrap hadn't been able to deal with it along with all of his responsibilities.

And Victoria took it all in stride. Took it all in silence. She often reflected on the fact that she hadn't wished to survive. She wished she could've died. To be with her kits and Plato up there in the Heavyside Layer until the Everlasting Cat told them they would be revived in a new form, to rejoin the Earth.

With a sad smile, the first one in a long time, Victoria splayed herself across their old car, the old blood stains still dry and crisp against the rusted paint.

Maybe if she lay there long enough, the grey would fully take over.

-(-o-)-

**This and the second chapter were written for the writing challenge that I was doing on Tumblr, so yep...**

**Reviews are of course rather nice.**


	2. Chapter 2: Fortitude

"Come sit with me."

It was a simple request, and her tone was relaxed, but Mistoffelees was immediately scrabbling to his feet, eyes frantic as he clutched desperately at his sister. Her shoulders felt the sting as he soon had her in his grasp. She flinched slightly, eyes crinkling in the slightest. Mistoffelees had good intentions, she knew, but he was a full grown tom, and his strength was something to beware of when he wasn't quite right.

"Mistoffelees," she said, voice straining to keep her tone calm, keeping the wavering free. She knew it had been a long time since she'd bothered to make any contact, and to even be walking around on her own, requesting things, it was a miracle after her suffering. Even now, as Mistoffelees released her, she knew he was taking note of the fact that her fur was once more a pristine white. It still hung in a startling way from her meatless bones, and her muscles were lax and sagging from lack of a work out. Her tail was rather bedraggled from it worrying the ground behind her as she'd haunted the Junkyard.

Yet Victoria was recovering, and for all those around it was a startling fact. She could feel gazes warming her pelt as she attempted to keep calm and cool. She couldn't go losing her head the first day she'd bothered to put forth an effort. Had put her past behind her, and had indeed decided that she shouldn't mope about, forcing others to care for her in such an undignified way.

"Victoria, do you need anything?" Mistoffelees began, eyes frantic as they flickered about, staring bewildered and yet hopeful into his sister's face. She could see he wanted to do no more then please her, but she could also see that was a problem. In all her time as a wraith, she noticed how Mistoffelees had grown. He too was suffering, and she hadn't realized it, to wrapped within her own misery.

Taking a step back, she gave a hollow smile and rested her hand reassuringly on Mistoffelees' arm, drawing his hand up to her mouth. She gave a small nuzzle there, and her tail gave a small flick. She wasn't completely healed - as she did this tiny action she could only think of a time when she would have done this for Plato and her kits - but she swallowed back resentment and released her brother.

"I don't need anything," Victoria finally whispered, voice calm and soft, hoping to not cause a scene. Munkustrap was already staring at her now, and Tugger was beside him, eyes locked on the two siblings. Victoria doubted he was all that interested in her, however, as what her recovery would bring about for him. "Nothing I can have anyways," she continued, dipping her head as she nuzzled her brother once more. She wouldn't fake that it didn't hurt. That wasn't courage and it wouldn't make things better. She just knew she couldn't mope any longer, and couldn't keep dragging Mistoffelees and her friends down with her.

And there was more then one thing that had brought her out today.

Her best friend had been carrying kits.

When she'd first seen Etectra hobbling around, laden with kits, Victoria had felt jealousy and disdain. Had been bitter and horrid. If she'd had the effort she would've spit and scratched at the queen, wishing her bad luck. But at the time she'd been much to apathetic to care about the swelling belly. And now reflecting back she supposed she was glad.

Part of her longed, however, to have her own kits pattering around with Etectra's. She'd dreamed of it since she was a kit herself! She hadn't been thinking of Plato that time around, of course, she'd been fantasizing about Tugger, or even Munkustrap. He had always had an air about him.

But now her kits were dead, long gone, their blood washed away in the rain. The hood of the car had been scrubbed thoroughly as well, and now the blood had turned to naught. Rust still stained the area, though, and Victoria could pretend it was their blood still lying there to comfort her as she had slowly recovered.

So there she stood, haunted eyes holding a glimmer of hope as she stared at Mistoffelees, the question dancing on her tongue. She wasn't sure if her littermate would approve, or even if Etcetera would want the poisonous she-cat around her kits. Cassandra's kits already told the tales all around at any time they could of the fearsome Pollicle fight. That's what it was now - a horror tale for young cats to revel in.

Cassandra's kits were also scared of her, their eyes wary each time they had passed her in her deathly state. Sometimes they'd even stop to prod her with a paw unless Mistoffelees came along to shoo them away. They never learned. Even some of the older Jellicles, who had been there, had shied away from her.

Jennyanydots, until the day of her death, had glared at Victoria at each movement, especially when she was near the kits. The elderly queen had clearly not trusted Victoria one lick, and rumors had even spread that Victoria would possibly steal other cats' kits to make up for her own loss, or she would become a kit-murderer in vengeance.

Mistoffelees had tried his best to hide Victoria from the horrible gossiping lies, but she'd still heard. The kits, after all, knew no boundaries and made sure she heard since after all it deal with her. But she'd been in no mood to deal with anything, and she'd listened to it all in that horrid greyness.

Now she was just wondering how Etcetera would welcome her. Her kits had reached an age where they were still young, but she would be able to visit the nursing queen. If Etcetera would allow her.

"Do you think. . ." Her voice was hoarse from lack of use, but she found herself taking a deep gulp, watching Mistoffelees hang on her every syllable as she attempted to speak once more. "Do you think I could possibly visit Etcetera?"

Mistoffelees forze. He had promised the world to her, and yet he was hesitating. Victoria's eyes lowered themselves to the ground, her heart pulsing and constricting with pain. Her best friend didn't want to see her? She knew it had been a possibility, and she herself hadn't been the best friend these past several seasons, but she had hoped. . .

"I'm sure Etcetera would actually enjoy that." Victoria's gaze snapped up, and she noticed at first the starburst of colors that haloed a strong neck, and a cocky grin above that. The Rum Tum Tugger had joined them, and was offering reassurance to Victoria, and she felt a small blossom of effection for the flamboyant tom. A purr rumbled within her throat, the slender skin vibrating in the slightest as she turned hopefully about. Several eyes immediately became downcast as they saw her looking, but she paid them no heed.

Mistoffelees stayed silent, looking mildly disgruntled as his tail lashed angrily behind his back. Tugger's mouth was opening again, and he was drawing even closer to the tiny tux, his bulky body looking even larger since Mistoffelees' once great figure had diminished in his caring for Victoria. He'd been neglecting himself, and Victoria now saw a chance to help what she'd accidentaly unraveled all that time ago.

"Mistoffelees," Victoria said, mustering some type of strained joy in her voice as she gave him a half-hearted smile, "why don't you and Tugger talk while I go speak with Etcetera?" she urged. She was practically driving her brother together with the tom, hoping to pick up the pieces of such a fractured relationship. Mistoffelees, however, only stiffened at the mention, and he promptly ignored Tugger's wide grin and nod of approval.

"Tugger has other issues now," Mistoffelees hissed, ears flattening back against his soft black head fur. It was a tussled mess, and the tux gave a hideous sneer as he turned away, tail still throwing itself about behind its owner as the magical tom quickly left the presence of his stunned sister, and the rather crestfallen Tugger.

Victoria gave Tugger a curious glance, and she noticed the droop in the tom's tail. He recovered quickly, though, face brightening as his tongue rasped out to rake against the fur on his mane. The ruffled strands were soon smoothed as he settled down, smirk returning as he shrugged his shoulders at Victoria.

"If you want to know, ask Etcetera," he replied simply, and took up occupancy at the confused queen's side. He was soon leading her fragile body across the Junkyard, heading towards a den that was all to familiar with Victoria. Her, Etcetera and Electra had often hung around the outside of it, eyes glued eagerly to the top of the jewelry box, awaiting their sexy idol's eruption from within.

Tugger's den.

A sense of understanding settled down upon her, and she cast a small glance to Tugger. She could only suppose he hadn't been careful enough, and had impregnated a small queen he held no love for. A sharp thorn of compassion pierced Victoria's side, as she realized even more hurt had befallen the Junkyard through some fault of her own.

Had the Pollicles not destroyed her home, then Tugger wouldn't have held Mistoffelees back. Even after that, had Victoria managed the shake the horrid feelings that had clung to her fur like burrs, she could've possibly salvaged the bitter remains of the once close toms, and could have helped stop Etcetera from falling into a relationship that was doomed to fail.

With a shuddering sigh, she allowed Tugger to escort her, though he left her quickly at the entrance. He looked distracted, and his gaze never settled long on the small pink box that now housed his mate and kits. She could see his gaze staring after the figure of her littermate, and she quickly turned away.

Everything in the Junkyard seemed wrong.

This was her first day back, and everything should have gone perfectly. Her brother should've been happy again, Etcetera should've had a loving mate that was curled affectionately at her side, not eyeing another cat. The other cats were supposed to have gathered her in welcome, comforting arms with twitching whiskers and fond meows of the past and how she'd overcome it.

But that was fantasy, and as she scrabbled into the messy sprawl of Tugger's den, it only continued. She expected an exuberant Etcetera, with a bright smile. Maybe some trepidation and caution, even a recoiling around her kits, but still warmth and happiness.

All she recieved was a cold, bitter hash of feeling as she allowed herself in.

Etcetera was sitting miserably in a corner, her kits sprawled out beside her, occasionally making their way towards her soft belly fur for milk, only to be swatted away. Victoria felt a sickness rise within her belly, and she slunk back in the slightest, shocked that a mother - especially one so sweet and loving as Etcetera - could deny her kits.

No other cat was keeping watch on her, and no one was about to help take care of her. Victoria could guess why. The Jellicles were such gossip mongers, and all of them a judgemental lot. No doubt no one wanted anyone to do with Etcetera when she was carrying the Whore of the Yard's kits in her belly.

Victoria felt yet another pang of sympathy, and drew slightly closer, hesitant in her steps. Etcetera's eyes locked onto her old friend's, and Victoria was excited to see a small glimmer of recognition and love there.

Then Etcetera was slapping away another kit, ignoring the pitiful mewls that rolled past its jaws. Victoria cringed, and slowly dropped to her knees, padding forward on all fours as she nuzzled the kitten slightly. Etcetera took notice of the action, but seemingly ignored it, even though at such a young age most kits were rather territorial of their young ones.

"Victoria," Etcetera said softly, her hand resting across her teets, no doubt hiding them from the kittens now, since swatting them away did no good. "It's been a long time."

Victoria felt another bout of sadness wrestling with her already fragile state of mind. Her best friend - the loveable, shouting, joyful, cocky, and funny little kitten she'd adored - was gone. Etcetera's voice was now tired, almost old, and her fur was ragged. She was no where near as bad as either Victoria or Mistoffelees, but she was definitley on a fast trip there.

"Yes it has," Victoria voiced softly, settling down on her stomach as she nudged one of the kittens, rasping her tongue over its head-fur. A clear purr met her, but she could tell the kit was weak. A young queen, by the smell, and she wouldn't last long if she was denied her suckling rights. She was reminded vaguely of her own daughter, and she felt her eyes swimming with tears that she blinked defiantly away.

For once, in a long time, this wasn't about her.

She had to stop another queen from going down a road so similar to hers. She wouldn't watch more ruin break across the Junkyard. She had learned that everything was a Domino Effect, and if Etcetera did this, then who would be the next to suffer? She didn't know, and she certainly wasn't going to find out!

"Why won't you feed them?" she asked bluntly. It had been a long time since her social skills had needed to be called upon, and so she found herself lacking the neccessary emotions and words to bring to her tongue to deliver the message delicately. And, at this point, she wondered if it was even an option to not be brutally honest.

Etcetera recoiled slightly, and her tail stirred the blankets she lay upon. With a dejected noise, she turned her head away, and a bitter smile crept to her face as she stared into a small corner of the jewlery box. Parts of it screamed Tugger - with the leopard patterned fabrics, hanging jewels, and just all togehter an air of wildness.

"Do you know what that is?" Etcetera said softly, lifting her hand to point towards a corner of the den. Victoria raised her head slightly, keeping one hand on the befuddled kit as she stared where her friend pointed. Her eyes took notice of a large top hat, and she cringed as she remembered what head it had used to sit on.

"Yes," Victoria answered softly, though Etcetera was already pointing towards another corner of the den, where a rather large cork model of Tugger sat. Next Etcetera's finger lead Victoria's gaze to a star studded quilt that hung from the walls; next a choker hanging from a peg; then there was a small little doll that she used to see Mistoffelees tote around when Munkustrap had argued that Tugger and Mistoffelees were a deadly pair and couldn't do anything right, then had given them the challange of making a fake kit and keeping it alive for long enough. They'd ended up ripping off one of the arms and then Alonzo and Plato had stolen it to play fetch with. Etcetera had cried that Tugger's baby shouldn't be treated in such a way, and had attacked them for it, just for Mistoffelees to come along, mistime his magic, and blast a hole straight through the doll's heart. She also recalled Tugger saying he'd thrown out all the little things around the room that belonged to her brother.

"All of this stuff . . ." Victoria whispered, staring around, taking note of even more things. Etcetera probably knew of them too, but she looked pained enough, and settled down on the blankets once more. Her expression was tragic, and Victoria slipped forward, nuzzling her friend's shoulder with a desperate look at the kits.

"All of that stuff," Etcetera replied, voice choked as she curled in on herself. "All of it is Mistoffelees'!" she wailed, "Or something they did together! Everything! Hardly anything in here is Tugger's own!" Her sobs came now, and kits began to mewl pathetically. Victoria attempted to calm them with her stroking tail, but she wasn't entirely succesful. Their mother was in distress, and they were hungry.

"Well, Mistoffelees was a big part of his life," Victoria murmured, stroking fondly at the kits and their mother, attempting to pacify both, but not really knowing how to do either. She herself had just recovered, and she didn't know what she could possibly do. She just knew she needed to do something.

"Do you know what he has in here that's mine though?" Etcetera asked sharply, crinkling her eyes as her paws batted away tears, chest jerking as she coughed over saliva. Victoria gave a mild shake of her head, already guessing the answer. "Our kits!" she spat, eyeing the balls of fur with a moment of affection.

"That's right, your kits," Victoria said softly, eyebrows raising minimally, mentally urging Etcetera to take care of what she'd brought into this world.

"I don't even want them," Etcetera mumbled, and Victoria felt alarm race through her, setting her fur on edge. "Oh, I never wanted them! He never liked me! He was sleeping with me like he does every other queen in this Junkyard! Except for you, of course," she added, wringing her hands. "All I ever wanted was happiness like you and Plato. You and your kits were so happy, he loved you so much." Her voice had dropped into a whisper, and Victoria's limbs began shaking at all the happy memories that contrasted so hideously with the gruesome after math.

Her ears flattened to her skull, and her tail lost its rythm along the kits' bodies. They didn't seem to mind, however, as they were slowly huddling against one another, plaintive mewls still begging for milk as they stared desolately at their mother. They were to young to know what to do - so they only yelped.

Etcetera ignored them.

"But you were so sick. Tugger was alone. I mean, he and Mistoffelees were never _together_, but we all saw the way they looked. And after everything, I mean, your brother was so busy with you, that Tugger didn't see him, and when they did it was brief and cold." She was rambling, but Victoria couldn't stop her. She could only feel guilt washing over her, wave after pounding wave that slammed into her heart and wrenched it about, off-balancing her as she was forced to listen to her faults. "He came to me," Etcetera stated solemnly, eyes desolate pools of pain.

"Why won't you feed your kits though?" Victoria demanded again.

"THEY'RE NOTHING!" She shrieked, and Victoria flenched back as Etcetera brust free with emotion. "What are some scraps of fur if they mean nothing?" The nursing queen demanded, glaring at Victoria. "What do you know? You had a loving mate! You suckled them and grew them on love and wondefulness! What will my kits know?" she demanded, ignoring the small cries of her kittens. "They'll know that their father has no love for them or his mate! They'll know he's a miserable slut and their mother is one with them!"

After the passionate outburst, Etcetera broke down, tears pouring down her cheeks and matting the fur into a horrid clump. The kittens were mimicking their mother, and Victoria sat rigid, staring at her friend, waiting to see if there was another outbrust, before speaking again.

"I've known pain," Victoria began, ignoring the hurt look Etcetera gave her. "I've known it as bad as you can imagine." Her voice was soft, just barely rising above the wailing kits. "Yes my kits were raised with love and yes I had a mate who was willing to hold me and protect our kits with his dying breath." Her breath shuddered, and her chest fluttered, and Etcetera seemed like she was going to stop her. Victoria plunged on, however, not giving her friend the chance. "But it was all ripped away in one moment of blood.

"What I've gone through these past few years, slowly recovering, and slowly taking in everything around me, has been almost as bad. Everyone speaks of Plato as if he was a stupid moron that plunged into battle that was unnecessary. Everyone speaks of my kits as ghosts that will haunt their own pressure litters if they don't behave." Bitterness tinged her voice. "And I can't be out in the open without paws touching me or gossip about me burning my ears. I've felt apathy, until recently, and now I've come from my shell to see my best friend."

Her blue eyes hardened as she glared down at Etcetera.

"My best friend throwing away the one thing in the world that I would so gladly give my life for."

Etcetera flinched down, and stared at her kits, eyes wide and frightened as if she had just noticed they were there. As if she had just realized how much responsibility was resting on her thin shoulders.

"I've also watched and I know I'm the reason that Tugger even came to you and broke your heart," Etcetera opened her jaws to protest as Victoria claimed this, but the white queen plowed on. "It was my fault for subermging myself in loneliness and isolation. I could have been strong. I could've stood up and taken the punches and rolled with them. I let Macavity destroy my life like he's done to so many others. The only difference is not all of them sat down and gave out."

Etcetera seemed enraptured now as she stared at Victoria, amazement in her gaze. And, as Victoria watched, preparing to continue her speech, she saw the kittens slowly trundling forward, batting blindly for their mother. And for once, Etcetera didn't bat them away, did nothing, merely stared at Victoria, waiting as the words spilled forth.

"I could've prevented all of this. But I didn't, and I can't change that. I tried to today. My brother's hurt. The future Jellicles are hurt. You're hurt. Tugger's hurt. Everyone is hurt, and I can do nothing anymore. It's not in my paws any longer. I messed up, and now I live with those consequences weighing on my shoulders every day." Victoria paused, and tilted her head. "Whether everything is my fault or not though, I'm not sold on. Cat minds are more complex then human's, so we have odd things that go on, and in my mind swinging from apathy and depression felt right."

The kits began to suckle, kneading their mother's belly as Etcetera mechanically reclined, eyes still wide and thoughtful as she searched Victoria for any more of her startling tail.

"What happened after as a result was wrong though." Victoria shuffled a bit, tail curling behind her as she heaved a sigh, though a small smile tickled her lips. "Your little ones," she began once more, and Etcetera gave a slight jerk, as if just now realizing they were there. She almost made a motion to swat them, but stopped, staring back against at Victoria. "They'll grow up strong. Love them. Don't tell them lies of sluts and whores and dead kittens and white cats that will murder them in vengeance.

"Tell them of love that their father couldn't over come. Tell them of all the fun times you had with Tugger, fantasizing like a little kit. Tell them of their mother's love for them, because you can never give them enough before they're gone," she ended sorrowfully.

Etcetera's head was giving a small bob in response, and her hand flickered down to pet softly at one of her kit's head, smoothing down some fur that lay there as she returned her gaze to the proud Victoria.

"And I'll tell them of you," Etcetera whispered in the soft den. "Of the strongest, bravest cat I knew that overcame such tragedy in her life, to stop the loss of more kittens. A White Angel."

Victoria's smile returned a bit brighter, and she lowered herself to Etcetera's side, snuggling into the feeding mother. Nothing would ever be okay again. She'd never escape the lies, the rumors, the gossips. That kit-tale would probably never fade of the dumb, blundering Plato who didn't know what enemies he could handle.

She knew that Etcetera's kits, as much as they all told them otherwise, would know the true story of their father. Jellicles weren't good at keeping secrets, especially if they could possibly be painful. She also knew that Etcetera would always feel that bitter jealousy, and these kits would never know the love of two parents.

She would soon be plagued by those memories, those dogged words, and the horrible persisting memories. That all could wait outside. Right now, though, in the heavily milk-scented, warming air, she was fine.


End file.
